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::big sigh:: I dunno why I'm even writing this. No one wants to hear about it when I'm not happy. I'm so far beyond not happy now. Nightly, I cry myself to sleep. I woke up crying. Then later this morning for almost no reason at all I was crying again. I just don't know what's wrong. I think I have a couple screws loose. Not to mention that everything in my fucking life seems to go wrong, no matter how small a detail it is. 1. My brother sold MY super nintendo, and all my games. "You left it at home so I assumed you didn't want it." He'll get it back for me if I give HIM $60... So I've hired Horse to beat him senseless, which he will only do once I pay HIM $20. 2. I got lost trying to find the church this monring. 3. I woke up a total of 7 times last night with nightmares about rivers of blood and fire. 4. I still haven't made a single friend here. I stared at the goddam wall for like 2 hours this mornign, ebcause I already have all my homework done, room cleaned, I worked out, stretched, amd went across campus to practice. 5. my brother pitched my old harddrive, even though we're not sure if that was the problem. My grandpa is getting all sick from smoke inhalation from the latest fire near their home, but he's to fuggin stuborn to leave... all of this I learned this morning. I mean... WTF. That is like, NOTHING compared to what I've had to deal with ever since I got here. On top of that, there's pretty much no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm doing all this, with no hope of joy or fulfilment. Seriousely, if I'm going to be honest with myself, I ought to change my friggen major next semester and get the hell out of here. I mean. I am not good enough, and I'm not even going to try to tell myself otherwise. I looked at the handbook, and there is no way I can pass all the tests, and meet all the standards that they want me to. I mean... I have to do an audition to see if my voice is good enough to be a voice major, and they will not let me officially declare my degree until I pass that. Right now, I'm on a fucking probationary class assignment. I'm not good enough for that! Why am I even at this hell hole? If I wanted a drastic push towards suicide, I could have just written out everything I ever acheived in life. That could be depressing enough, considering it consists of a blank page. I'm so fucking pissed at everything that has gone wrong, and everyone who has wronged me. I know I deserve this, but GOD DAMNIT! I fucking wish I had an explanation for WHY?! With these wretched surroundings, I feel like I'm deteriorating as a person. I'm becoming a hermit. I haven't talked to ANYBODY in 4 days. Not an answer to a question, not hello, not get out of my way... NOTHING. I talk to Matt more than anyone else, right now. He fucking lives across the country and is for certain without depth. He doesn't talk about anything worth talking about. He just goes on about how he loves me, and we'll be together someday. Yeah right, whatever. He doesn't know the first thing about me. No one could love me. Anyone who says they can... they just don't know me. I wrote some more stuff. I would put it on the writing journal,. but it's the fucking stupid TK that no one knows. So after this I'm going to put on my goddam cheery front, go to dinner, and go back to my room. I feel like if anyone talks to me, I'm going to cry again. Dear lord, lords, whatever... Yo midget that dances in my head! Don't let me cry.
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