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Heather, please, don't read. I had a nightmare last night... I don't remember much of it, but when I woke up I had this feeling like I needed to tell someone somthing. The first thing that came to my mind was Heather and Jen. I guess I'm a little scatterbrained, but I am trying to think over what I am doing going on this trip with them. I'm going to be stuck in a car with them for over 24 hours. Then spending every hour with them while I'm there... How I see that is at least 5 days of high pressure. I always feel like a pest when I'm around them. That's why they never invite me to do anything more than dinner at a time... If we do a movie afterwards, that doesn't count, because we don't like to talk durring movies. I'm too highly critical and I like to have fun a LOT more than they do. But I wouldn't feel free to be myself around them. I fear them going back to where they came from and talking trash about me. Jen's mom is a gossip, and their friends are some of the people who have hurt me more than alomost anyone else, ever. I think of their lives without me, and I always feel betrayed, even if they don't think I have the right. I don't think either of them trust me at all. If they did... I dunno. Like... I know they love me a lot. We're like sisters, but I'm the big sister. So the little sisters join together, and even in a group of three I'm an outsider. I don't know if I really want to do this. Jen will talk about her stories the whole time. Which... I don't mean to be harsh, but I really don't care about her 50 bazillion stories. I think she's just using tat as an excuse to keep out of the sight of others. For all I know, she'll take a few to work on so she won't have to talk to us the whole time. Then Heather will be there, and I don't know why but.. I always feel like I have to find her a man when she's around. Of course, even if we do meet people, she'll curl into her hy little ball (which makes me sick). Then she'll complain that I'm trying to set her up when she can do it on her own. But she WON'T do it on her own. And what if I want to go and relax? Neither of them are old enough to go to a bar/club, and Jen will have a shit fit if I bring alcohol back to the room. I dunno... I think these are just all excuses for: I am the big sister. I am the rebel, the one who will try anything... And... because the girls don't like that, I don't like who I am when I'm around them either. They are so pretty, and I'm so ugly. They are so smart, and I am so dumb. They are so good, and I am so horrible. I mean, I know it's true. Just... I don't have to admit it when they're not around. I guess that is what comes when you know everything about people. I suppose I will go with them... It will deffinately be a test to end all tests.
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