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I just want to scream to the heavens how much I wish things could be different! Oh gosh... hrm... I'm pretty much just writing this for me. I've as much as given up the hope that anyone else would care. (Hence, why I'm writing in here and not the livejournal.) No one who knows me reads this thing anyway. Have you ever had so much conviction in somthing that world looks at you like you are crazy? You spite the world for their contempt. Then when you look back at the world, and you realize that it was your own fault. Do you ever get s angry with yourself you want to scream? Then when you try, nothing's better. And if you try again... the scream is overcome by a sob. Have you ever worked so hard on making yourself better at somthing that you leave the rest of who you are behind? When you look back at who you were, and who you have become, you hang your head. Have you ever been so stripped of any indentity that you realize you can't be on your own, because you don't know what to do with yourself? Then you try to do things the way they used to be done, and it just makes you feel horrible. I have. I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. Now that everything I ever wanted is so close to coming true, I don't want it anymore. I am just a shell of what I could have been by this time in my life. When I was little, I had the ideal life planned out. I knew exatly what I was going to do. When I got into highschool I would be a cheerleader, or play in marching band. I was never skinny enough to cheerlead, so I started playing football. The football team decided that there weren't girls allowed on the team. So I joined the dance team. I embarassed myself and my teammates. At least they looked really good out there next to me. As for band... I quite violin when I was in 5th grade, because I never practiced. Then a few months later I had to quit playing clarinette, because I had to get some detal problems fixed. They're still not fixed to this day... In highschool, I was going to do pretty good at everything but truely excell at science so I could be a marine biologist. I passed every science course in highschool with a D-, no matter how hard I tried. The only thing I did well in was choir, but everyone got an "A" in choir. I thought I was going to always have a nice boyfriend in highschool, who I could hang out and study with. Throughout highschool, I never dated anyone seriousely. All my boyfriends were from other towns. I was going to have one good friend, aside from my boyfriend. Someone who would be my sister, and just do everything with me. This kind of came true... between 3 people, I had someone to hang out with about 50% of the time I was at school. I was going to graduate with honors. Instead, I graduated in the lower half of my class. I never even held a possition of authority in any of my groups. I tried for everything... And if you'll remember, I did graduate with 12 varsity letters. That was a lot of dedication to many groups. I was going to go to a big school in California where I could be near the ocean and wildlife parks. I would get to study the animals while in school. I was going to find my soulmate my first semester of school. And we would get married a month after we graduated. He would be a few years older, and be graduating from getting his masters. So we could work together over the summer, and he could still be out there when I go home from school. I was going to get my doctorate, and sail around the world with my husband, studying the different types of coral. I wanted children, but I just wanted to adopt both of them. I wouldn't even think of having kids until I was in my mid-thirties, and both my husband and I were established scientists. I would homeschool my kids and they would want to be astronauts. Then I would be content, living my day to day life on house boat, and sailing around the world. Content with the love of my family and the waves. How could I have such great idealism back then? Now I cynically debate with myself over how I am going to make my living. Even how I am going to pass the classes I'm taking. I'm not too intelegent... Things go over my head most of the time, and I spend all my time trying to make a friend. I feel so ashamed of what I become, and mourn any that I should ensnare into my tangled web of self-pity and doubt. Yet, I beg for the people I love to return my love. I must not love them enough, because I won't even protect them from somthing I know they don't want to be a part of. Oh well... that's enough. Back to the work that will never be perfect. ~Tamie
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